I understand I dissappeared for a while there, so I think I should explain why. Over the last month or so I have been at the pinnacle of busy. It was my neices/goddaughters christening at the end of August (At The End Of August is also an amazing song by my favourite band… The more you learn eh?) anyway and it was a lovely day as seldom does my whole family come together in one place. Although it didn’t do well for my health, I got up that day at 9am and got home at 4pm and instantly fell asleep on the sofa, I didnt wake up until 2pm the next day and when I woke I was still exhausted (the joys of Chronic Fatigue) anyway so I spent that week recovering!
The on the 2nd of September it was my sons third birthday, so on the 1st we went to Thomas Land in Drayton Manor, as Thomas the Tank Engine is my sons very favourite thing in the world, so though I was armed with my walking stick, it was a long and painful day but worth to see the joy on my sons face. Now by the time I got home I sat on the sofa and physically couldnt get up, which was a mild inconvenience as the next day I happened to be hosting a Birthday party for my son to which mine and my partners family were all invited. There are no words to describe the pain and exhaustion I felt that weekend, but I gritted my teeth and buckled down to give my son an amazing birthday like anyother child with a healthy parent would get. By the end of the day again I was pretty much out.
So as if this busy weekend wasn’t enough, on Monday I had to travel to an interview with ATOS healthcare or whatever they are called for an assesment to see if I’m ‘fit for work’. Well I am fit for a job where my boss doesnt mind me napping every half an hour and is content for me to sit there and do nothing while I try to deal with my pain, but I am waiting to hear back, but I’m expecting a letter anyday now claiming I am indeed ‘fit for work’ as I have been reading up and you pretty much have to have a terminal illness for them to declare you unfit for work.
Anyway so that again was another unpleasentness my broken body had to endure, and to be honest that is the extent of what my hazy memory can remember, I don’t know why I havent been blogging, I think its because over the last few weeks I’ve struggled to motivate myself to do anything.
To the present, I am really wrestling with life at the moment, today my partner started work so was out of the house nine to five leaving me to look after our son. Its only been one day but my God I feel like I’ve been giving a beating, not only physically, but I feel like such an awful mother. I didn’t realise how much I relied on my partner when it came to caring for our son until today. I have a whole new appreciation and admiration for him, dealing with our sons day to day needs and my own I dont know how he does it. I could barely stay awake for much of the day, its just a constant blur of getting up, meeting my sons request sitting back down, waking up again I dont know how long after because he wants something else, over and over and over. I don’t think anyone realises how I struggle with these tasks because I dont want them to know, I need help but I cant get it from anywhere. I can’t ask my partner to quit working and stay home because its not fair on him, he has been so frustrated being couped up with the two neediest life forms on the planet, and we’d have no money. Theres no help anywhere, I cant afford to send my son to nursery but its not fair for him to stay at home with me all day when I can barely look after myself. I dont want to asked anyone for help because I’m ashamed of myself that I can’t look after my son like other mums can, that I can’t stay awake and that tending to his needs is a constant cause of agony so I have to to do the minimum to get by. Its 3.30am in England I can’t sleep because I know tomorrow is going to be another torturefest for both of us. He must get so bored! I promised we would go swimming… Why would I promise such a thing when I dont know 100% if I can keep it or how I will be feeling tomorrow. I guess I just needed to get this out. I don’t suppose anyone anyone would read a post this long and boring, but I need to write it down somewhere.
Sorry again for dissappearing.